Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad