I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..