did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
