I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
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Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
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You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.