I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.