i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
