Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".