Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.