dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass