First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.