the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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