It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dating After Heartbreak
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
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Do I have a choice?
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The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now