I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
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I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
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he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."