my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
