He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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This beer is not sobering me up at all
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."