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Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
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