I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix