At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She is in my trunk
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick