We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.