I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm fucking your sister right now.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.