something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My pussy is not your playground.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15