I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.