Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This house was built for laser tag.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.