his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
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I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
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corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.