his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.