I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.