"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING