im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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