Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys