I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.