Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.