Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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