god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
