I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
