I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My balls are so social today.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
