captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
