Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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