i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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