Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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