escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
