It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
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just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
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He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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