i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
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It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
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I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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