he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i need some magic done to my vagina
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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