I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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