3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
