I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
