you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
