either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
