I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
there is puke in my bra ... again
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