wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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