woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Randomize
