just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
