i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
No subtext here. People are naked.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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