I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
