you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
