My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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