Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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