i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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