i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
